The big day is finally here! Less than 24 hours from reaching my goal of having this tumor removed from my body!! Can't wait. These past 3 weeks since the original surgery was postponed have seemed to last forever, and while I've finally bonded with my feeding tube, it's time to put that darn accessory to use.
The emails, phone calls and silent prayers for me this week have been overwhelming - THANK YOU! I have drawn much comfort and strength from your concern and understand that even though I'm the only one getting cut up here, there are many who will be right there with me. I've said it before, it's a very moving and powerful feeling. I'll succeed simply because I'm afraid to disappoint so many!
I listened to a pre-surgery mental imagery CD that my healthcare provider sent me yesterday. It prepares the mind in a peaceful state, similar to yoga, to allay any anxiety or trepidation one might have before going under the knife. I can honestly say, without any added bravado, that I have no fear or anxiety going into this. I have an amazing prayer network, the best medical staff, including the surgeon who's done this specific procedure more times than any other surgeon in US, and I've placed my faith in God to determine the best outcome. I've done my best to prepare myself for this day, and now turn myself over to their skilled hands.
Many of you have expressed interest in coming to the hospital during the ~5 days I'll be there. Without sounding unappreciative, I'd ask that you wait until I return home and come there to visit. I will likely lose my voice for several days following surgery and having visitors will only stress the situation. I hope you understand. For those intent on sending flowers, please note that the hospital has a 'no flowers' policy due to the compromised immune systems of so many of their patients. Please feel free to send a 'money bouquet' - know as a donation - directly to the City of Hope in lieu of flowers. That would be an incredible gesture - please let me know so I can send thanks! Your money will be put to very good use researching this awful disease (& is tax deductible unlike flowers)
https://secure3.convio.net/coh/site/Donation2?df_id=1800&1800.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=ta4qjendu3.app304b
Lastly, I'll encourage you all to post something on my 'Recovery Wall'. This is your chance to participate in my speedy recovery. It could say "stop by for a quick walk", "count me in on your first bike ride", "I'll call with some encouragement to get you going again". However you can help in my recovery process, I want it posted on my 'Recovery Wall'. I will post all of these on my 'Recovery Wall' at home and cross them off as they are completed. Feel free to get creative. Come climb that wall with me!
Thank you all for taking this journey alongside me. There clearly is power in numbers. Look for an update late Friday or early Saturday from Rose, since the 10-hr surgery should be completed by 5-6pm on Friday evening. I thank God for great family & friends! See you soon!!!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Rolling Support Group
What a day we had Sunday! It was my last day to ride before my surgery and the long recovery that will follow, so we set out to make the most of it. Had my "rolling support group", who has been pushing me out on the trails since my chemo/radiation treatment, come over to do a "church ride". We rode from the house to church, attended a very moving service, and then set out for a Sunday ride, Pastor included! He had to be thrilled as the crew found different ways to incorporate his Sunday message throughout our ride!
One of our friends in the congregation, who is a big road rider and an Ironman, decided to accept our offer to hit the trails on a mountain bike. So we had good sized group on the ride and thoroughly enjoyed the 80 degree day in the shade of Marshall Canyon. This is my home track, just outside my door, but for some reason, the trail had a much different look yesterday. It was much more peaceful and the trees were really beautiful. We kept a good pace, but perhaps that allowed me to see more of this trail than my normal ride. Maybe it was the company I was with. Or the earlier message that spoke of Peace. At that moment, I really didn't care why, I just wanted to appreciate something that I won't see again for a many weeks.
A few scrapes and bloody knees later (no, not me - I've been especially careful not to fall with my tube!), we finished a great ride and returned to the house to enjoy a few beers and Murph's famous trail tacos (I know, they're only famous in my mind!). That's really why I ride - for the post-ride camaraderie. I toasted to a great "last ride", which got everyone's attention - meaning the last one before surgery, of course! I've ridden my mountain bike with a separated shoulder while one arm was still in a sling - if that didn't stop me, surely cancer won't put the brakes on my desire to ride.
But the casual conversation on the patio turned into a bike clinic when two of my buddies tore apart Pastor's 20-year old bike to overhaul it. Three hours later, it looked like a new bike - and certainly functioned a lot better. He was thrilled that the creaks were gone and his bike was all cleaned up. But the bike was still 20 years old, so with a brief moment of discussion, that should have taken place 3 hours earlier, we jumped online, pooled our resources and bought him a brand new bike. Could have saved all that repair and cleaning with a few keystrokes earlier!! Now I'm afraid this guy is going to be too fast for me when I get back on the bike following my recovery! But I can't think of someone who will appreciate a "new ride" more than he will. That's what friends do for each other.
What a great day, what a great way to segue into my prep week for surgery. God, friends and family - that's really all we need. I was lucky to have a day filled with them!
One of our friends in the congregation, who is a big road rider and an Ironman, decided to accept our offer to hit the trails on a mountain bike. So we had good sized group on the ride and thoroughly enjoyed the 80 degree day in the shade of Marshall Canyon. This is my home track, just outside my door, but for some reason, the trail had a much different look yesterday. It was much more peaceful and the trees were really beautiful. We kept a good pace, but perhaps that allowed me to see more of this trail than my normal ride. Maybe it was the company I was with. Or the earlier message that spoke of Peace. At that moment, I really didn't care why, I just wanted to appreciate something that I won't see again for a many weeks.A few scrapes and bloody knees later (no, not me - I've been especially careful not to fall with my tube!), we finished a great ride and returned to the house to enjoy a few beers and Murph's famous trail tacos (I know, they're only famous in my mind!). That's really why I ride - for the post-ride camaraderie. I toasted to a great "last ride", which got everyone's attention - meaning the last one before surgery, of course! I've ridden my mountain bike with a separated shoulder while one arm was still in a sling - if that didn't stop me, surely cancer won't put the brakes on my desire to ride.
But the casual conversation on the patio turned into a bike clinic when two of my buddies tore apart Pastor's 20-year old bike to overhaul it. Three hours later, it looked like a new bike - and certainly functioned a lot better. He was thrilled that the creaks were gone and his bike was all cleaned up. But the bike was still 20 years old, so with a brief moment of discussion, that should have taken place 3 hours earlier, we jumped online, pooled our resources and bought him a brand new bike. Could have saved all that repair and cleaning with a few keystrokes earlier!! Now I'm afraid this guy is going to be too fast for me when I get back on the bike following my recovery! But I can't think of someone who will appreciate a "new ride" more than he will. That's what friends do for each other.
What a great day, what a great way to segue into my prep week for surgery. God, friends and family - that's really all we need. I was lucky to have a day filled with them!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Good things come to those who wait!
I certainly hope the subject line is true. My treatment went from fast forward to a slow rewind over these past 30 days, but the finish line is finally near!! With all I have going on in my life outside of my treatment, these days should be flying by....but they're not. I'm not fixated on my cancer, but very focused on the plan in front of me. I have to laugh when my work colleagues, where I've picked up significant new responsibilities in the past week, remind me to center my attention on my health. I am laser-focused. While our ski season is over, my new responsibilities with Ski Patrol require continued work to prepare for the next season, not to mention some teaching duties in our off-season first aid class. So with all of this book-ended around my treatment, why do the days seem to be mired in quicksand??
"Good things come to those who wait" is a proverb derived from a bible quote that seems to have fallen out of favor with the "instant gratification" crowd (must confess to be a card- carrying member, unfortunately). This was the slogan for ad campaigns from Guinness and Heinz ketchup, and those are worth the wait for sure. But I have a hard time comparing the wait on those products to the wait I'm dealing with regarding my surgery. It's not anxiety, as some have suggested, it's the challenge of slowing the mind and body of a classic type-A personality to accept that time is not a personal choice. Patience truly is a virtue, and I would say a skill I'm still working on perfecting.
Yesterday I met with my anesthesiology team at City of Hope for my last consultation before surgery next Friday, April 26th (for those of you keeping score). I was informed that this particular type of surgery is TEN hours long. I had in my notes 4.5 - 5 from an early consultation, so I wasn't prepared to hear this. In true type-A style, I contacted my surgeon from the consultation room to get his explanation, assuming something had changed, there were complications I wasn't being told or he needs to leave mid-surgery for a golf tournament up the street. Answers...needed answers quick. Apparently, this is SOP for this procedure, so he told me to chill - afterall, I'd just be laying there asleep and he would be the one doing the extra 5 hours of work!! Of all the nerve!
Headed out for a good long bike ride this morning, feeding tube and all, and will remind myself that it will be a while before I'm back on these trails again. So I'll take it all in today and remind myself how lucky I am to be in this position - just one week away from being healthy again (not counting the endless recovery period, or course!!). I'll post again before surgery with all the up-to-the-minute details to keep this all straight. Thanks again for all of your continued positive thoughts and prayers - they have really made the difference in my treatment. The doctors are good....but you have been great!!
"Good things come to those who wait" is a proverb derived from a bible quote that seems to have fallen out of favor with the "instant gratification" crowd (must confess to be a card- carrying member, unfortunately). This was the slogan for ad campaigns from Guinness and Heinz ketchup, and those are worth the wait for sure. But I have a hard time comparing the wait on those products to the wait I'm dealing with regarding my surgery. It's not anxiety, as some have suggested, it's the challenge of slowing the mind and body of a classic type-A personality to accept that time is not a personal choice. Patience truly is a virtue, and I would say a skill I'm still working on perfecting.
Yesterday I met with my anesthesiology team at City of Hope for my last consultation before surgery next Friday, April 26th (for those of you keeping score). I was informed that this particular type of surgery is TEN hours long. I had in my notes 4.5 - 5 from an early consultation, so I wasn't prepared to hear this. In true type-A style, I contacted my surgeon from the consultation room to get his explanation, assuming something had changed, there were complications I wasn't being told or he needs to leave mid-surgery for a golf tournament up the street. Answers...needed answers quick. Apparently, this is SOP for this procedure, so he told me to chill - afterall, I'd just be laying there asleep and he would be the one doing the extra 5 hours of work!! Of all the nerve!
Headed out for a good long bike ride this morning, feeding tube and all, and will remind myself that it will be a while before I'm back on these trails again. So I'll take it all in today and remind myself how lucky I am to be in this position - just one week away from being healthy again (not counting the endless recovery period, or course!!). I'll post again before surgery with all the up-to-the-minute details to keep this all straight. Thanks again for all of your continued positive thoughts and prayers - they have really made the difference in my treatment. The doctors are good....but you have been great!!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Pain in my Side
It's been 3 weeks now since I was prepped for surgery, which included this obnoxious feeding tube in my side. It made sense at the time, since the surgery was a week away. But when it was delayed for 3 1/2 weeks to heal an ulcer in my esophagus, caused by the radiation, it meant carrying this tube around for over a month before surgery. It has become a real annoyance and a pain in my side. When I walk, I feel it...when I ride, I feel it....when I cough, I feel it.
But I believe this tube represents more than just irritating pain. Life after surgery will leave me with small adjustments to my daily routine, so this tube is serving to prepare me for those small annoyances that are in store. Putting this all in perspective has helped me deal with my little tube for now, but I'm sure I'll have a new appreciation for it when it feeds me for 2 weeks after surgery!
This weekend, I took 'the tube' up to Big Bear to teach an emergency care course to our future ski patrollers. I thought about using it to demo an 'impaled object', but opted not to embarrass the students, or more likely, me! Might as well get some entertainment value out of it, right?! After class, I joined a few patrollers on a mountain bike ride. If the pace got too fast, I'd have 'the tube' as my excuse! This thing can really be beneficial!!
Yes, all things in life truly are a matter of perspective. Find the 'flip' side of your problem and you'll discover a new outlook. I never bought the saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" - but at least have an Arnold Palmer!
But I believe this tube represents more than just irritating pain. Life after surgery will leave me with small adjustments to my daily routine, so this tube is serving to prepare me for those small annoyances that are in store. Putting this all in perspective has helped me deal with my little tube for now, but I'm sure I'll have a new appreciation for it when it feeds me for 2 weeks after surgery!
This weekend, I took 'the tube' up to Big Bear to teach an emergency care course to our future ski patrollers. I thought about using it to demo an 'impaled object', but opted not to embarrass the students, or more likely, me! Might as well get some entertainment value out of it, right?! After class, I joined a few patrollers on a mountain bike ride. If the pace got too fast, I'd have 'the tube' as my excuse! This thing can really be beneficial!!
Yes, all things in life truly are a matter of perspective. Find the 'flip' side of your problem and you'll discover a new outlook. I never bought the saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" - but at least have an Arnold Palmer!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Change
Obama ran on "Change" as his platform in 2008, and the majority embraced it. The direction this country was going at the time was so misguided, the one thing many fear the most - change - was the the one thing they were willing to accept. I won't turn this into a political platform, as our current politicians haven't done anything to warrant my time, but it's interesting how people voted for change back in that election.
For the past 3 months, all I've known is change. Nothing resembles normal, ordinary, "same old, same old". Daily trips to City of Hope weren't in the plan before that. Managing my health was done by hopping on my bike, into my kayak or onto my skis, with only an annual visit to the doctor. Now, I'm subjected to being pricked, prodded, tested - all daily occurrences that are required as part of my treatment plan. But necessary in this battle, so a welcome change to my old normal.
During this time, I lost my sweet Mother after a long & rewarding life, I assumed the leadership position within our ski patrol, and now I bid farewell to my dear friend and colleague of 12 years, as he moves on to another opportunity and my responsibilities expand to manage the entire sales function at our company. If only cancer kept a calendar, it would understand that this is a really challenging time for me. Change is all around me and I could use a "timeout" from cancer right now! But I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, so clearly I've got this. Keep the timeout, I'll be good.
While change brings the unknown and usually a high level of anxiety with it, we really should embrace it. It also brings new, exciting experiences that add to our life memories, while molding our character and who we are. I have been very fortunate to this point and look forward to this next chapter. Bring on the change....I'm not max'ed out yet!
For the past 3 months, all I've known is change. Nothing resembles normal, ordinary, "same old, same old". Daily trips to City of Hope weren't in the plan before that. Managing my health was done by hopping on my bike, into my kayak or onto my skis, with only an annual visit to the doctor. Now, I'm subjected to being pricked, prodded, tested - all daily occurrences that are required as part of my treatment plan. But necessary in this battle, so a welcome change to my old normal.
During this time, I lost my sweet Mother after a long & rewarding life, I assumed the leadership position within our ski patrol, and now I bid farewell to my dear friend and colleague of 12 years, as he moves on to another opportunity and my responsibilities expand to manage the entire sales function at our company. If only cancer kept a calendar, it would understand that this is a really challenging time for me. Change is all around me and I could use a "timeout" from cancer right now! But I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, so clearly I've got this. Keep the timeout, I'll be good.
While change brings the unknown and usually a high level of anxiety with it, we really should embrace it. It also brings new, exciting experiences that add to our life memories, while molding our character and who we are. I have been very fortunate to this point and look forward to this next chapter. Bring on the change....I'm not max'ed out yet!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Hurry up to Wait
If you asked Rose, that saying pretty much sums up my personality. I'm always in a hurry, but get nowhere. From the moment we heard my diagnosis on Christmas Eve, I've been pushing every test, every procedure, every consultation to get through this treatment as quick as possible, not giving cancer any chance to spread. I've effectively navigated chemotherapy and radiation, which were moved forward more than 3 weeks. My surgery was initially scheduled for mid-April, but moved to April 1st - still not sure why anyone would operate on April Fool's Day or Friday the 13th?? Seems now I've avoided both of those dates, but will have to wait until April 26th - a good thing. That's a solid month with a feeding tube protruding from my side. I know - deal with it!!
I find myself in a position where there is nothing to do but wait. In this conquest against cancer, there hasn't been a time to relax and breathe. We've been going nonstop since Christmas Eve with research, consultations, decisions and what seems to be daily trips to City of Hope for treatment. So this waiting around stuff is new territory, a place where I find myself slightly out of my element. Time to let off the gas pedal and cruise for a while, but I must admit, I like the warrior-going-to-battle-everyday versus the strike-a-yoga-pose-and-breathe-deeply. My idea of breathing deeply is gasping for air after a steep climb on my mountain bike. It's unnatural to breathe on cue as opposed to breathing because your lungs are on fire. I get it, deal with it! I'm trying, but that line about old dog, new tricks must certainly apply here. So give me a minute.
Yesterday I took a 7 mile hike with Rose to reflect on these next 3 weeks and how best to handle this time. I resigned myself to use this time to condition my body for surgery and make a formal effort to reach out to all those I know who are battling along side me right now - those I mentioned in my last post. We are all going through the same process right now, albeit with differing cancers, but we're facing similar issues. I'll use this time to let them know that the support goes far beyond those you know. Example - a childhood friend's father approached me at my Mom's service last weekend and told me that he was following my blog - I hadn't seen or spoke to him in over 20 years!! He and his wife are praying for me all the time - WHO KNEW?? Powerful. Brings me to tears thinking about how deep and wide this support really goes. 20 years, man! WOW! I need a kleenex now - it's so touching. So that's what I'm going to do - I'm going to make each one of them reach for their kleenex box - show them some more love from a place they didn't expect it.
A great quote from yesterday's sermon - "If you're worrying, you're not trusting God. If you're trusting God, you're not worrying". I think this sums up why this battle has been relatively easy for me. I've placed my total trust in God that he has a plan for me through this. I accept it, no questions. Makes it so much easy to move on. See Rose, I am getting somewhere.....
I find myself in a position where there is nothing to do but wait. In this conquest against cancer, there hasn't been a time to relax and breathe. We've been going nonstop since Christmas Eve with research, consultations, decisions and what seems to be daily trips to City of Hope for treatment. So this waiting around stuff is new territory, a place where I find myself slightly out of my element. Time to let off the gas pedal and cruise for a while, but I must admit, I like the warrior-going-to-battle-everyday versus the strike-a-yoga-pose-and-breathe-deeply. My idea of breathing deeply is gasping for air after a steep climb on my mountain bike. It's unnatural to breathe on cue as opposed to breathing because your lungs are on fire. I get it, deal with it! I'm trying, but that line about old dog, new tricks must certainly apply here. So give me a minute.
Yesterday I took a 7 mile hike with Rose to reflect on these next 3 weeks and how best to handle this time. I resigned myself to use this time to condition my body for surgery and make a formal effort to reach out to all those I know who are battling along side me right now - those I mentioned in my last post. We are all going through the same process right now, albeit with differing cancers, but we're facing similar issues. I'll use this time to let them know that the support goes far beyond those you know. Example - a childhood friend's father approached me at my Mom's service last weekend and told me that he was following my blog - I hadn't seen or spoke to him in over 20 years!! He and his wife are praying for me all the time - WHO KNEW?? Powerful. Brings me to tears thinking about how deep and wide this support really goes. 20 years, man! WOW! I need a kleenex now - it's so touching. So that's what I'm going to do - I'm going to make each one of them reach for their kleenex box - show them some more love from a place they didn't expect it.
A great quote from yesterday's sermon - "If you're worrying, you're not trusting God. If you're trusting God, you're not worrying". I think this sums up why this battle has been relatively easy for me. I've placed my total trust in God that he has a plan for me through this. I accept it, no questions. Makes it so much easy to move on. See Rose, I am getting somewhere.....
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