White Elephant

Best news I've gotten in a week! No, nothing to do with my treatment - the forecast shows a high of 65 today! After 5 days of rain and very cold temps, it's the return of the "lunch ride"!! I am so tired of being inside, and so stoked for my solo ride on the trail at lunch! Yeehaaaaa! I haven't felt so great over that time and I'm sure this has something to do with it. Sitting around for extended periods is bad medicine, so the forecast of climbing temps, maybe hitting 80 by the weekend, is such welcome news! I'm desperately avoiding anything that can make me sick while my white blood cell count is low, but giving up the therapy of my bike ride really hurts.

Despite the cold temps this weekend, I fired up the grill for a small family BBQ on Sunday. Rose's family came by, along with my Mom, for an early dinner. I was pleasantly surprised when they were joined by two of my brothers, who weren't expected at all, one of them coming in from Northern CA. It was great to see everyone, and their concern for my health has been a source of strength through this. We had a great afternoon together. There was, however, a huge white elephant in the room. 

You see, I haven't shared the news of my diagnosis with my Mom. From where you sit, I'm sure that sounds selfish and disrespectful, but it's not that easy. I've been very open about my condition with everyone, so telling my Mom would not have required much thought. Unfortunately, her health has been a roller coaster for the past year, and she'll hit 88 this month, so this added stress could trigger a slide in her condition. I've even consulted her doctor to make sure I was doing the right thing for her. But the answer is not easy.

So dinner on Sunday had to remain clear of any cancer discussion until my Mom left the room. When she did, we'd have a full dialogue of my progress, updated prognosis and remaining treatment plans. When she'd walk back in, the subject would revert back to the topic being discussed when she left. It felt deceitful and so wrong, but I still feel that it is in her best interest. I'm sure I'll struggle with that until I have to tell her prior to surgery, since I won't be visiting her for a good 2 weeks, and she'll be on to that. If anyone has dealt successfully with this, I'd love to hear it. We've opted to wait until chemo/radiation was over, and that's a little over a week away. So this will happen sooner vs later.

OK, there is more good news besides the weather. Tomorrow's round of chemotherapy is my last - give me a fist pump! - and after tomorrow's radiation, I will have less than an hour of radiation left - chest bump, this time! Thank you for indulging me with this blog and holding me up through all of this. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it ain't no train.....